It's been a while since I've done a personal post here. Recently I've been feeling very lost, overwhelmed, inadequate and all over the place. If you watched THIS video you'll see that I've been struggling a lot with college this semester. I have one module in particular that kicking my ass, no matter how hard I try or how many hours I put in. Recently I was told by a someone who previously did my course and now teaches it, that this is by far the worst semester and that fourth year isn't as difficult. Which was nice to hear in one way as I know it can't get much worse than this but still just proves the difficulty of this semester.
I have also had a few family members fallen ill since the start of the year which was quite a shock and put a lot of things in perspective for me. I've been trying my best to get good grades, have a social life, see my family, spend time with my boyfriend, visit my friends, eat well, try and incorporate fitness back into my life, blog, make videos, keep my social media updated daily, run Tipperary Hour, try to find a summer job and so much more.
All in all, I'm exhausted and overwhelmed which has led me to feel really inadequate about everything. I just feel like no matter how hard I try, nothing is ever good enough. I'm always one step behind. In reality I know I've a lot on my plate and just need to put it all in perspective and stop being so hard on myself. But I can't help it. I pride myself on always being organised and lately I just feel all over the place. Now you're probably thinking, I could just give the blog and my YouTube channel a break until things calm down with college. But I love blogging and making videos, they keep me somewhat sane and I like the routine of them.
All of this had led me to really evaluate my life and made me focus on what I want out of life, where I want to be in 10 years time, what I'll do when I finish college and have to go out into the big bad world and be an actual grown up. The problem is I've asked myself questions and I have no answers. I have no clue what I want to do when I finish college. I've no clue what I want to focus on. I love blogging and doing YouTube and as much as I'd love to make that a career, I don't think that's realistic. I think to actually make it as a blogger/YouTuber is so so difficult these days and it's only getting tougher. Also I'm not quite sure I'd like to be my own boss anymore. I always thought I would want to be self employed but after working for my mother for nine months and seeing the real side to being self employed and having a company, I can see very clearly that it's not all it's cracked up to be.
So with blogging/YouTube crossed off my list, I've no idea where that leaves me. I'm not particularly great at anything. I'm a jack of all trades but master of none as they say. I'm not afraid of hard work and if I found something that I was super passionate about I'd go after it 100% and give it my all. I just don't know what my 'thing' is. I don't even know how to go about finding what my 'thing' is. I feel like all my friends have their shit together and are on a path to a real career and while I'm so genuinely delighted that things are working out for them, I can't help but feel really left behind.
I feel like I'm having my quarter life crisis a few years early. I don't really know where to go from here, I don't know how to progress or how to stop feeling so lost in life. I'm sure everything will work out in the end and I'll end up wherever I'm meant to be but at this very moment in time...I'm lost.
Erin X
Erin, sorry to hear you're feeling like this. Please take it from me, everything will fall into place. I'm thirty and it was only a couple of years ago that I felt I had figured out some of what I wanted. That was after lots of changes, travel and creativity. Don't be afraid to Experiment, explore and while you're at it, have fun and be kind to yourself x
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