I have tried to write this post about 10 million times, but could never put my thoughts and feelings into words. I don't think I ever will be able to elegantly word it so I just left all of my feelings scrambled and unorganised. I know my fears might seem insignificant to some, but that doesn't mean it's not a massive deal to me. I'm not 100% sure why I'm even sharing this but I think maybe, just maybe if anyone else has the same feelings, you might feel a little bit comforted by the fact that you're not alone.
Where are the days when all I was afraid of was the boogie in my wardrobe and the monsters under my bed ? Why can't my mam and dad swoop in and chase them away like they did when I was small ? This whole being an adult thing is really hard. Recently I've found myself being afraid again, but this time it's not the monsters under my bed or the boogie man in the closet. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of being judged. I'm afraid I'm not good enough.
I mentioned on snapchat (chasingrubychat) that I've never shared this blog or the fact that I'm a blogger/vlogger on my personal Facebook page. I've wanted to and nearly did share it numerous times, but there was always something that stopped me and held me back. I never knew what it was, I thought it was my gut telling me it's not the right time but as the days, weeks and months go by, I've realised there's never a right time and that 'gut feeling' is just fear.
Why am I so afraid ? I have no logical reason. I guess I'm afraid of what everyone will think and I'm not sure why I care about what they think really, because all my friends and family know about this blog and my YouTube channel. So why do I care about the opinions of people I knew three years ago?
I don't know, I don't know why their opinion of my life matters so much to me. My blog is my comfort zone, it's where I'm happiest. I find writing to be very therapeutic. When I'm going through a tough time, I blog and it always makes me feel better. My blog is where I feel comfortable being vulnerable. So do I really want to open that up to everyone I know ?
The reality of it is people I know are finding my blog, my YouTube, my twitter, my snapchat etc. every day now. I can't stop them finding me, so why do I keep resisting it and potentially stopping myself from being successful. Am I standing in my own way ?
I think so.
I am really proud of this little blog. I am proud that I have stuck with it. I'm proud of how much it's grown. I'm proud of how much it has helped me deal with things. I'm proud that this blog landed me a dream job. I'm proud that in less than a year I've been shortlisted for not only one but two Irish blog awards. I'm proud of the positive people I surround myself with thanks to my blog.
If I'm so proud of myself, why can't I be confident to showcase my achievements ?
I've decided that I'm going to be brave. Jen from TooDollyMakeup gave me a pep talk and she told me that while my blog might be my comfort zone, nothing truly great or successful came from anyone's comfort zone. So I will share it on my personal Facebook page. I'm going to rip off the band aid. Yes I will be terrified to do it, but if I let others acceptance of me determine my happiness, I'll never be happy. SO here goes...
Erin X
Good Woman. let it rip! its so much better on the flip side!
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ReplyDeleteThis is a great post, I know exactly how you feel! Actually wrote about my past as a blogger just yesterday and how my views and others' have changed. You should be proud of your blog and show the world. :) It's so much easier to blog when people you know don't know it's you (I've found that myself anyway) but I've decided it's not worth fretting about: let them eat cake. Or let them eat blog. The boogie man in the cupboard and the monsters under the bed probably read your blog and love it, so go for it! Best of luck :)
ReplyDeleteClaire
www.owlsandantlers.org
A wise woman once said to me "What would you do if you were not afraid?" She was wise beyond her years and I often quote it to others and to myself! Be Proud, Be Confident, Love and Be Loved, because that is what life is really about. Be proud of what you do, your talents and what you achieve, because I am so proud of you. x
ReplyDeleteI did the exact same thing! I used to share my blog everywhere but facebook. We care what our friends and family think of us, hesitating to share your thoughts isn't a bad thing, being cautious is smart. (I think) Being a designer myself, sharing my blog is being open to criticism about my art and sometimes we fear the worst. I know I do.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this post, I'm glad to know I'm not alone.